I’ve been feeling rather stupid these days (and years), not for any specific reason, but feeling that I am getting less smarter with every year. I did not finish high school. One stupid thing led to another stupid thing, and I suppose I am from a working class family, so university wasn’t a top priority anyways.
At 17, I was doing some correspondence thinking I would finish high school before being able to write the GED. I only managed to finish one course, being English 12, and got a B. Not bad for having only got half way through grade 10. The next year, while working at Walmart at 18, I wrote the GED and passed. At 22, I went to business college and became a Legal Office Assistant.
I took a couple of night classes over the years, such as Sign Language (barely remember it), got my food and alcohol serving certificates, basics in Web Design and HTML, and First Aid Level 1. Yet nothing that was going to pay me union dollars. Nothing that I could be certified in. Nothing that was close to a degree.
I have noticed that I don’t seem to retain the stuff that I am trying to learn these days. Because of this, I am worried about attending any type of certificate program. But at the same time, I really need to do this, I am tired of working for minimum wage, or a little above it.
One of my first requirements was to do the Accuplacer exam for Math and English, for I need Math 11 and English 12. I’m nervous, I think I can probably pass the English, as long as there are no “what is an adjective” type of question. I think I will fail the math, but I must try.
I go the the local college to write this test, spent 2 hours, and used 3 pages of scrap paper for calculations, still had to guess on a couple, and left, to await my results.
Then they called, my marks are in, I got Grade 12 level in both Math and English!! At first I was really happy!! I still have it, I think. I can think under pressure, I think. I really am smart enough, I think. But then I start to cry, I don’t really understand why initially, but I think I am grieving for the university degree that I will never have. I am grieving for the time I wasted that I won’t get back. I am grieving for the person that I could have been, and now never will be.
There have been jobs that didn’t work out and projects that didn’t monetize, and this has caused a major negative impact in me thinking that things will work out for me. Because so far, they haven’t.
Tomorrow I see the employment/retraining councilor at the job center to go over my next step in my quest for the Pharmacy Tech program. God, I sure hope this works out for me.
Update: I did take this program, and here is a post about studying and cheating, and how honesty doesn’t pa.
Here is an excellent forum based job-search related website, read what other real people are saying about various job and re-training markets.
#militantsinglemom, #singlemom, #familylife, #backtoschool, #over30andbacktoschool,